Don't wanna be...

One thing is for sure--for damn sure. I don't wanna be no 6th grade teacher! A'ight, well, actually I probably should qualify that statement--I don't wanna be no 6th grade teacher in an elementary building. My rationale isn't just students with hormones and 'tude--no--it's more than that. It's also because of the prep required to be at the 6th grade level, yet teaching all the subjects. Yet again, I've gotta give a big thumbs up to my cooperating teacher and the other teachers out in the trenches doing the same.

Today was my worst day of student teaching yet. Of this, I'm sure. I suck at discipline. I suck at classroom management. Since these two things suck, well, my teaching pretty much sucks. Which sucks--since that's what I'm getting a Masters in. So why do I suck so much? I blame it on my psychology degree, in part, but also on the fact I'm not a parent and I haven't learned certain skills. Setting limits, firm limits, I'm just not very good at yet. Having consequences and truly enforcing them--I'm not good at that either. It took some crazy-ass substitute who the students know as "Mrs. Chocolate" to figure that out. She laid it out there, made sense, and taught me that I'm just too damn nice to really be an effective 6th grade teacher.

So what now? What next? What am I going to do with this knowledge, this insight? No fucking clue. I've got four days left of solo teaching. I'm ready for the clean slate, the new group of kids in the spring. These kids don't respect me and I haven't enforced that they should. There is SO MUCH I'd do differently if I could just hit the rewind. But I can't. And frankly, so much of me doesn't care anymore--I can endure four days of anything. But part of me really does care--part of me pushes on saying shit ain't supposed to be like this... and I better good and well go in there and show those sixth graders what's up. I didn't suck when I was a substitute. What's going on? Can I do it? Can I change things? Can I regain control and step up to the management challenge? How? And can I do it before the principal observes me on Tuesday? That's what I dunno. *sigh*