Does perfection exist?

So, I've been thinking about it and I've concluded that student teaching is meant to drive a person mildly insane. Because anyone can watch one lesson and give you tips on what you should've done better, those of us who strive for perfection are bound to be annoyed by the student teaching experience (possibly most of our teaching careers... but whatever....). It just makes sense. So this past week, while quasi-hellacious, probably wasn't quite the death of my career it seemed like at the time... after all, to quote J. Wilcox: "We're still green!" Indeed we are, indeed we are. (Thus, I go forth towards new week...)

Weekend was goot. Graded a truckload of papers, found out L. Moe enjoys video games (and watched her pond video), chatted with the zoo co-workers a ton, watched at least six Law and Order episodes amidst the paper grading, and got a decent amount of sleep. Oh! And I had a run-in with a wild turkey that lives outside the zoo (doesn't belong to the zoo)... it wouldn't leave my truck alone so I couldn't leave! Talk about craziness (and good opportunity for someone out there to kill themselves a turkey....) The critter is seen below. He's a fat one, too!


To conclude, I leave you with a quote (as heard in country music song this morning):
"Nothing tests your faith like a long sermon on a pretty Sunday!"
Alls I can say is amen to that, amen to that!

Don't wanna be...

One thing is for sure--for damn sure. I don't wanna be no 6th grade teacher! A'ight, well, actually I probably should qualify that statement--I don't wanna be no 6th grade teacher in an elementary building. My rationale isn't just students with hormones and 'tude--no--it's more than that. It's also because of the prep required to be at the 6th grade level, yet teaching all the subjects. Yet again, I've gotta give a big thumbs up to my cooperating teacher and the other teachers out in the trenches doing the same.

Today was my worst day of student teaching yet. Of this, I'm sure. I suck at discipline. I suck at classroom management. Since these two things suck, well, my teaching pretty much sucks. Which sucks--since that's what I'm getting a Masters in. So why do I suck so much? I blame it on my psychology degree, in part, but also on the fact I'm not a parent and I haven't learned certain skills. Setting limits, firm limits, I'm just not very good at yet. Having consequences and truly enforcing them--I'm not good at that either. It took some crazy-ass substitute who the students know as "Mrs. Chocolate" to figure that out. She laid it out there, made sense, and taught me that I'm just too damn nice to really be an effective 6th grade teacher.

So what now? What next? What am I going to do with this knowledge, this insight? No fucking clue. I've got four days left of solo teaching. I'm ready for the clean slate, the new group of kids in the spring. These kids don't respect me and I haven't enforced that they should. There is SO MUCH I'd do differently if I could just hit the rewind. But I can't. And frankly, so much of me doesn't care anymore--I can endure four days of anything. But part of me really does care--part of me pushes on saying shit ain't supposed to be like this... and I better good and well go in there and show those sixth graders what's up. I didn't suck when I was a substitute. What's going on? Can I do it? Can I change things? Can I regain control and step up to the management challenge? How? And can I do it before the principal observes me on Tuesday? That's what I dunno. *sigh*

Recent Teaching Epiphanies

My dad was trying to be cute today—he snuck a fake “fan comment” about this here blog into the stack of papers I was trying to make sense of. He and my mom keep trying to check in on me; since what they do see is often am angry blur. It’s cute—very parental—and I do adore them for it.

Driving home today, after a surprise
visit from my field supervisor and a day of students running my classroom (with my trying fanatically to figure out how to regain control), I had this epiphany: teaching is a series of pieces—classroom management, lesson plans, curriculum resources/good learning activities, parents, colleagues/district expectations. When all the pieces fall together at the same time it's this tiny amazing work of art—it’s frickin' beautiful. Actually getting them to fit together at the same

time… well… that’s where experience and true craft become involved. Right now I feel like God is chucking random pieces my direction—one day I'll think I’ve mastered a particular piece and I'm headed for that illustrious big picture.... then something else goes wrong—rarely ever yielding the work of art (or even slight glimpse of the potential art some days…). Some days are definitely two pieces toward the end-goal, others are me wondering if I have any pieces at all.

Frustrated truly embodies my current emotional status. The writing of pointless lesson plans, the grading of endless papers, the rare ten minutes I don't spend thinking about school, the fact I don't have enough time to actually learn about the topics I'm about to teach, the fact Linda and I could say the exact same words and students will listen only to her just because she's Linda, the fact I feel guilty for taking time to eat when I know there's so much preparing/grading/stuff to be done... like I said: frustrated.

Fortunately, I've got two good things going. First, I do enjoy my mindless, festive, customer-service oriented job at the zoo (see picture above of inflatable Elmo and I this past weekend at ZooBoo). Second, I'm focused on those sixweeks off. A chance to read books for fun, watch TV, test drive some new trucks, and regain a relationship with my family. *sigh*

Why Friday Nights Rule

I'm laying in bed, typing this, wearing my Budweiser hoodie that has crumbies in its pouchie. Why? Because last weekend, when I wore this hoodie to the movies, I thought it a good idea to smuggle in my Texas toast for a mid-movie snack. Hmmm.... what was I thinking?

It's another Friday. Another week is gonzo. I'm whooped.

Friday's are important in the life of an educator. Of this, I am convinced. Tonight as I took a shot of tequila, on top of a beer and a cider, I couldn't help but toast to good memories and the reality that the shot itself would temporarily numb my mind for awhile. I've needed some decent mind-numbing lately--or so it's seemed like...

Student teaching has been rough. My teacher is this fabulous, wonderful, funny, talented teacher. She sets the standards so high, at least in my mind, that I constantly find myself feeling intimidated. I ask her stupid questions, I expect to need her permission for things--she just wants me to do it. To step up, to be a teacher.

Unfortunately, stepping up is harder than I thought. I need to be firm, I need to be tough, I need to make sure I have students' attentions before I move on, I need to have good mini-conferences with students who are chronic behavior offenders--only I seem to be slightly crappy at it. I never know what to say, what to do--and again--that pesky "am I saying th erigh thing?" factor sets in. The real classroom teacher is just so damn good. How does she do it?

We conference, and I'm slowly learning--but my small steps seem insignificant because I have no time to digest them (or to think about the art which they are). Instead, I'm drowning in the sea of paperwork that has become the Master's program side of things--the 20+ pages of lesson plans that I'm required to write a week in advance. I see merit in planning ahead, feel confident that my lesson objectives are solid (thanks to our professional development this past week), and understand that procrastination helps no one--but bullshitting a week's worth of lesson ahead of time, that I know I'm going to revise the night before anyway--this definitely irks me. Downright pisses me off, truth be told. And the stress caused by this BS is the nasty, sub-conscious, look-at-me-wrong-and-I-might-cry kind of stress. Not good. It all adds up to a bad equation--or at least an equation that needs a little mind-numbing on Friday nights.

So we'll see. Four weeks left. Amazing. It's going to be weird having time off, it's going to be weird not being in the classroom, and it's going to be weird not constantly thinking about these same 28 kids. I wonder if Friday nights will still be so significant in my life--as that much needed break from reality....